In the Middle of Hope

One of the hardest parts of infertility is holding your breath. I promise I will explain it in a minute but first I have to address another matter. I made a friend through this blog and her name is Amy. Her and I haven't met nor have we had a real conversation outside of social media. However, she just like me is going through the hardest thing in life which is trying to conceive (aka TTC). In her life today her dad had a birthday (Happy Birthday Amy's Dad!) and she found out some answers to her infertility problems. From what I read Amy is dealing with Factor V Leidan and MTHFR both are blood clotting disorders. I have done no research into what either of these are but I will and will share in another post. What I do know is that Amy has some kind of answers and that doesn't make it better but it gives her a place to start. Amy you are in our thoughts and prayers. You always will be and I really hope our children that we are fighting so hard to have will get at least one play date together.

That being said I am in a world of hurt. We ovulated two days ago and I am already convincing myself that I am both pregnant and in danger at the same time. Today at lunch I went to the break room and smelled wonderful food. The two other coworkers in there couldn't smell anything and my first thought was OMG I have a heightened sense of smell...aka I am with child! Then when I got home I went to the bathroom and noticed I was spotting. I am only on day 21 of a 33 day cycle so I thought OMG there is something wrong and I must run to the ER. Finally after calming down from my day I knew that regardless of what is going on stress, guessing and acting rash is not going to help. So I decided to just wait the next 12 days and then take my next pregnancy test while in the meantime I pay extra attention to my husband (who must be at his wits end) and just be happy with the two of us (since that might not be the norm for a while fingers crossed).

I really hate how every day from day 19 to day 33 is this big guessing game and it drives us nuts. At the end of the day though I know I am going through this to give my baby the life he/she deserves. To JHJ (as that is the initials either way lol) I promise the following:

• I promise never to abandon you but instead I will put you before all others including myself.
• I promise never to play favorites if we are blessed with more than one baby. To us you are all equal and we are blessed to have each of you.
• I promise never to let my relationship with your dad every get in the way of your relationship with him. I don't care how I feel about him it is important that you know him and spend a lot of time with him.
• I promise to always put your needs before my own. I will never put my selfish desires of fame or fortune before your well-being.
• I promise that I chose your dad and your dad has chosen me to have you because we both know that we would be great parents.
• You have many people who are blood related or not that are your family. They are the ones you can go to in hard times with and know they won't turn on you. I have forged relationships for you so that you can turn to others when you feel you can't turn to me. 

I have tried long and hard to have you. I don't know what our next step is. It maybe IU or it may be adoption either way no matter how you come into my life I will fight for you ever waking moment because that is what a mom does. We have some very interesting family dynamics for you to join but it doesn't matter because I am going to make you so well rounded and so at home in every circumstance that you will thrive. Before I go I want to tell you one thing. Your dad loves you. He really needs you in his life. He above anyone else deserves to have you. Please, if not for me then for him join us this time. I am trying hard and so is he. All we want is you. JHJ please in two weeks tell us you will be joining us. I promise if that is not the case your dad and I will keep trying for you because we love you and we need you. Good night my prince/princess I look forward to meeting you some day.